omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
