worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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