What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
