if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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