An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
