Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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