the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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