He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
