They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
