dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
