I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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