hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just googled if crying burns calories
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
