I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
