My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need water and some morals
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
