no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
