the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
