i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
