Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just invented taco cereal.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
