if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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