Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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