where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
