Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
