I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
A bitchslap is in order.
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