Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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