my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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