dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
