I want to have your abortion
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need moral support for this bender
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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