Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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