im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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