News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
