i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
