I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
