if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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