I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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