Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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