I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
