So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
