I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
