New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
