You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
