how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
