I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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