i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
