Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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