Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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