No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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