i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
