He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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