That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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