Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize