well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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