I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
